Thoughts for a Trainful Wednesday

I awoke to a very sensitive soul this morning. For some reason this morning in the quick taxi ride to the train station, the thought of dating in NYC again hit me. Something about Mr. Cabbie helping me with my bags and helping me into the car, made me realize that at some point in my life I am going to want someone to help me with more than my bags and the things that are just too heavy that I struggle with. At some point, I am going to want more than a friend I can be silly with. At some point, I am going to want more from a man than I have allowed myself to admit since 2009 began. And to get there, that means dating again in NYC.

Just the thought almost brought on a panic attack. Dating in the city can be such a chore. All of these nuances to figure out, which signals are being sent… and more importantly which are being received.I think part of this is a result of being away and having some time to climb down off my high-horse and be a little bit more real in the ten days I have been here bounding around Europe. And I know that when I get back to Manhattan it will be different than when I left. For the two months I was there – fresh off a broken engagement, ready to party and just have fun, spending all kinds of money because I could, giving any cute guy my phone number (usually multiple in one night) because hey, if they didn’t act quickly, my cell just might not work in a week or two! – I was foot-loose and fancy free. I had an exit strategy… I was headed to Europe for two months. Sayonara, sweetie, see ya in June.

But when I get back, its not going to be the same. I will have an apartment of my own, and my PO Box can go away. I will return to my ways of being more selective about who I spend my time with. Return to balancing a job with my social life (the operative word here being BALANCE). Return to living on a budget and every weekend not being a giant free-for-all. Return to a world where not everyone wants to know I am just out of a three year relationship where I cancelled the wedding. Return to the dreams and goals I have for myself, many of which do not involve staying out to 4AM or spending the entire weekend day-drinking.

In the time I have had to think about my life once I return, I see all these plans that were left in mid-stream at some point along the the three-year journey to this moment, that are now staring at me ready to be put back into play. Running so much while I am here has me thinking of the physical-challenge of the NYC marathon, maybe even as early as this year. There has always been the PhD card that I have always tossed around, and maybe its time I get going on that. There’s the creative me that really wants to start working towards getting published – it may be fiction, but hey, its published! Then there is the maternal me who wants a family life and a real home, and the two golden retrievers at a warm place in the sun.

As I stare at the bright blue skies and the deep green of the trees merging into one another outside of the train window, I feel like the world is trying to say to me “contrast, my dear, its all about contrast”. And I know it is… Party Paige had her time of absolute abandon, my restless spirit is now getting her day in the sun, and the ambitious, career-driven me as well as “Mommy Paige” as my interns often call me, will all have their day too. One phase just makes the next seem more meaningful as you know life on the flipside, and from one you can appreciate the next. There will come a day when all parts of me can cohabitate in the same body without drowning each other out.

But today is NOT that day. And until that day arrives, I will keep traveling, I will keep searching, I will keep hoping that one step in front of the other will lead me to the life I always wanted. Until then, there is Spain, and then France, and then Italy and then Greece, and then Turkey if I have time…So much to see before I even have to start thinking of another tiny village apt, graduate degrees or life beyond May 14, 2009.