Wherever You Go, There You Are

My travels in Italy have left me with a foggy head. I don’t feel like my spunky self here, and often feel I am in battle with the world and in some ways myself. There is a part of me that is saying "Come on, Paige. Get on with this charade." And another part saying "But I want to see this, and do that...The weather will change tomorrow. Nice people will come our way. You will get the break you are looking for."

Very much representative of the constant battle that goes on in my head. The intuitive, no-bullshit side of me wanting to cut the crap and games, and focus on the things that I KNOW exist and make me happy. The dreamy, happy-go-lucky, child-like side always convinced that the big break will come tomorrow, the sun will come out, and all will be right with the world when such break happens.

Duality has always been my strength in life. Unfortunately, its also my greatest weakness.

And so this afternoon in Florence I find myself at odds with myself, asking the age old question, "Should I stay or should I go?" My existing reservation told me that staying was probably the more economical choice, and the falling rain clued me in that this may be the least problematic choice as well. But what was I to do to fill the next day?

I had seen all I could possibly see – the Duomo, the Academia, the Uffizi gallery, Piazzi Palace, etc. etc. I had been taking it in at a rapid pace in hopes of ditching out a day early, so I had nothing new to do. But I could wander aimlessly, that I was really good at.

I learned when I first moved to New York that I need to live in a place that allows for aimless wandering in city streets. The kind of place that allows you to pseudo-get-lost and then pseudo-find yourself again...perhaps seeing something new along the way. When I am in wandering mode I do my best thinking, pondering and soul-searching, much more so than I could do if I was sitting still. Something about moving forward helps me move forward in my mind. And this evening in Florence, I was ready to do just that.

As I headed to the river to wander my heart out, I thought about where I was (Florence), where I came from (Georgia), where I currently live or at least claim residency (NYC), my favorite cities in the world (BsAs, Copenhagen, Paris, Madrid), my favorite places in the world (Sevilla, Rio, Jax Beach, St. Augustine). I thought about the similarities and differences of each, and then I thought about me and where I fit into the little world map I had created for myself.

There was some point I was trying to drive myself to with this game, that was obvious. But what that point was still lost on me. I loved where I was from, but did not want to live there. I loved NYC, but always find myself eager to leave for any kind of reason. I loved certain cities but equally would not want to spend a life there. And my favorite places I would move to any in a heart beat, as long as I had a means of affording a life there... and yet, I never really pursued this life as NYC always took over because of job security.

I thought about my feelings on my travels so far. LOVING Spain. Finding frustration in Italy. Remembering the ease of my Spanish life, the happiness of my times there, the genuinity of the people... And here I was in Florence, in a country that reminded me way too much of NYC to call it easy, with people that were as hard as you find in New York, with prices as equally hard to swallow... and I had to wonder why I chose to be here, and ultimately why I chose to be in NYC, when in both I am always counting the days until my next adventure to get me the hell out of there.

It seems for so long I allowed NYC to be my identity. I could hide behind its big buildings, its big personalities and big reputation. But where was I in all of that? I wanted to live downtown where its small and quaint. I prefer more light personalities to spend time with and walk away from the brassy, obnoxious NYCer, and the reputation? Well, its straight out of Italy and we all knew how I was feeling about that. What was I (me, Paige Miller) doing in such a hard-edged place? What did I think I was gaining? Where did I think it would lead?

After 6 weeks of travel, it had taken me until now to even contemplate my life in NYC after my travels. When I left in March, I was more than ready to go. But I always thought I would want to come back at the end of it... And yet, as it came time to look for an apartment for my return, I found myself focusing only on the summer... and maybe on the fall...but after that? I don't know that I see it.

Seven years in that crazy city led me to the streets of Spain and the river of Florence. Once again, always needing an escape from the life I chose. Did I always want to live like that? Needing a break from my life? Needing a break from my dreams? Or better yet, as this situation so clearly spelled out, needing to LEAVE my life to find my dreams? How good is your life if you always have to leave to find your dreams?

I was thinking about so much, my head was like a bag of microwave popcorn. Firing off ideas left and right... but there were some good thoughts bursting forward. Something was changing for me, and had been for some time, I just had not really seen it. Regardless of where I went... NYC, Spain, Italy, Greece, Georgia... I was dealing with myself. NYC may have given me something to hide behind, but I was through playing hide-n-seek. I wanted me, I wanted myself, I wanted life, and most importantly, I wanted MY LIFE with no escape routes, or detours... And no matter where I went in the world, I could always have that if I chose it. Some places my life (or the things I want in it) fits more easily. And there were places where I simply was the sunshiniest girl on the block (hello, Sevilla!)... but ultimately, I get to choose. And something tells me when it comes time to choose again, my home - wherever that may be - will be where I want to truly be, no escape routes, disappearing acts, etc. Its not exactly that time, but I do know, soon, I will be ready to find my home... But that is not now. I still have four weeks of adventures, a summer (if not a fall) in NYC, a marathon to run, and ultimately a life to live. The latter can start now, regardless of the fact that I was in Italy.