A friend of mine in NYC gave me several music mixes as a parting gift for my travels. I have relished them in full, as listening to an ipod is the best way to say to the rest of the world “I don’t want to be bothered”. And that is the way I spend much of my time on the road, listening in and tuning out.
Throughout my life I have always been a bit of a loner… usually a highly social loner, but the truth is as much as I spend time with people, I usually spend a great deal of time alone. I like it that way.
When it comes to travel, I like to go at it alone… whether that be on the subway, a train, a plane or a road trip built for one, etc. I love starting in one spot and ending somewhere all together new and different, and almost with any trip life can be transformed in an instant. I love when the subway cars ‘swoosh” into the station, or when planes taxi for take-off. I always feel that “life” is getting ready to happen. And I often find myself during these moments of transition in an internal state of expectancy to see what is going to happen next. Life seldom lets me down.
Throughout my travels… the long flight from JFK to BCN, the many trains, the tiny inns and cheap hotels, the coffee time and the dinners for one, I have not minded being alone. I make pretty good company for myself. I have not needed more. Or truly wanted more.
Granted, there have been times that I would kill to have a lengthy conversation in English, or that my Spanish was better so I could have a conversation with a friendly someone, but other than that I am okay on my own.
I am not lonely. I am simply alone. And for me, right now, alone is the most perfect place of existence. With each day I am moving past old roles and situations. I have moved past being some chick that called off a wedding to someone truly traveling… through the world, through my own life, through possibilities, through everything the Spanish sun offers. I would not trade this time in my life for anything.
In the past however many days I have been gone, I have learned so much about myself and the world, and the wonderful people in it. I have managed to get lost in the world, from city to city, train to train, ocean to ocean, conversation to conversation. My life is here now.
Distance is good for the soul, and truly good for my soul. Who knows where I will be mentally and emotionally when I land at JFK come mid-May. I can guarantee it will be a lot further from this moment, and even further past the reasons that gave me a kick in the pants and said “get going with YOUR life…”
Sometimes its best to go at life solo… And when you find your own voice in the great big world, well, that is truly something no one in the world can take away. Its you on your own, fighting for yourself, and truly capable of creating whatever life you want… here or the next stop on the train, or wherever you return.
Right now, the world (well, Spain, Italy and Greece) is my playground. And sometimes I will be found playing alone, but then I find an English speaking playdate and I appreciate the contrast to my days of aloneness.
I guess life truly is about balance. I may spend more days alone than in company right now, but at least I am enjoying all shades of company – whether that be another or simply me. The saddest moments in life – I think – are feeling lonely even with company. And unfortunately, that is a feeling I had learned all too well in my past life.
So I will happily accept being alone right now, on city streets or lonesome trains, or whenever I can catch up with the voice in my head. It truly is where I need to be right now, and the world is where I belong.
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